Still Learning About Being in a Relationship...

I love my mother and she taught me a lot about being an independently strong, self-sufficient woman, repeating the mantra "Never settle" which I mistook in my early 20s to be never settle into a relationship. Big mistake....huge. Since she really meant, never settle for someone or something less than what you want and what you deserve. She may have taught me that "try to control me boy you get dismissed" lesson a little too well.

Now, I find myself in a relationship (duh!) and starting from scratch. I'm never been the relationship girl and whenever I had to deal with any kind of bullshit drama, I'd leave. That doesn't exactly work when you fall in love and then, subsequently promise to spend the rest of your life with someone. The thought sometimes freaks me out.

A few days ago, I made a stupid decision. I had agreed to let these two femcees (for those of you not into hip-hop, that means female rappers aka female emcees) that are acquaintances of mine from LA crash at our house in San Jose without running it by F first. I don't know what I was thinking and I had originally thought that they were coming up with a friend of ours and that didn't end up being the case. But, what was done was done. So, today....yes, today, I'm apparently a little slow when it comes to learning my faults, I realized how incredibly stupid and selfish that was of me. I mean, I didn't even consult him or see how he thought of the situation which proved to bite me in the ass. As the time approached for their arrival, I found myself dreading it, I'm exhausted and it's been one of those days.

I called F and apologized for not thinking of how this would impact him and for being selfish. Then, he blew up on me and I got frustrated. Then, it was an evening of that...he started freaking out about the fact that the rent check hadn't cleared, even though he has a receipt, so I told him to call the landlord. Then, he kept freaking out about it and I kept on trying to solve it. Yes, I know that he probably just wanted to freak out about it but, after a while, it's friggin' annoying. I told him to email the landlord 5 times, and no, I'm not over-exaggerating. Then, I tried to find alternative answers- well, at least you have a paper trail, why don't you call your bank?, etc. But, none of those worked. At the end of the night, he brought it up AGAIN and I listened and then, he looked at me for an answer. So, I told him- I don't know what you want me to say....I've given you all sorts of answers and you don't want to listen. To which he answered, "oh, you don't care! Good night!" I said to myself, come on! It's the only thing that he has to deal with and he can hardly do that. Do NOT give in and baby him out of this. Because my mother taught me to be independent but, his mother, unbeknownst to her, taught him to be co-dependent and therein, lies our problems. Freud would be so proud of me, blaming the mother!

I'm on this up-and-down constantly. Yesterday, he started going nuts about some 19-year-old waiter and I let him know that I thought it was ridiculous that he lets people ruin his day. I mean, who cares about a 19-year-old kid? Then, we got into a conversation about how I never side with him. For the first time, I actually listened and he said, when I vent, he always listens but, when he vents, I always jump down his throat. You know what? He's right.

So, this is another lesson learned. I'm sure they'll be, exhaustingly, plenty more. Sometimes I learn and sometimes he does, and that's what saves us in the end.