I’ve planned numerous events and have never had such a hard time with making a guest list. I guess it’s different for weddings, especially your own and especially when you want to make the people that are contributing financially to the cause, happy. I know I can’t be the only one, so thought I’d troll blogs, mags, and the Net to see what I can come up with to help us out. I’m going to include a bunch of issues so that we can have a one-stop shop for all the save-it-for-yo-mama-guest list drama!
1) What kind of wedding do you want?
For us, we want a beach ceremony with an outdoor reception at Fess Parker’s Doubletree Resort in their Plaza del Sol. This doesn’t have any space limitations- well the Plaza holds 500 which we’re nowhere near to inviting. We looked at our budget (a little on the low end for weddings), type of wedding we wanted (cozy), and the fact that it’s out of town for everyone (Santa Barbara- where none of us live). Get the what and where answered before getting to the who.
2) Go NUTS!
Write down every single name that comes to your head when you mention the words “our wedding”. Write down those random family members that you both are SURE that your parents would want to invite. Include kids, plus ones, randoms, Justin Timberlake, you get the picture!
3) Ask your parents.
Some would rather not, as in my FI, but, a) I like my in-laws and b) it’s respectful to show that you want to include both families in the planning process. This is especially true when they’re donating to the cause. It will drive you nuts but, you have to be honest and direct, people have other to-do's than your wedding. However, you shouldn't play doormat or allow too much time to pass without being a little pushy. After all, you can't start the planning process if you don't have a list and you can communicate that to your in-laws, along with limitations.
4) Sick or Out of Town Relatives
Relatives that are either incredibly ill or live way too far away and you are close to still warrant an invitation and save-the-dates. Thankfully, we live in a technological age where they can still attend your wedding without actually being there. Yes, my lovies, this glorious invention is called a webcast and it can be added onto your videographer’s package. There are DIY webcast where a company sends you all you need for $199 or most will provide professional services for $495. I found a free how to using Broadcam here. Cheaper, DIY but, not live option: have a friend videotape the ceremony and post it on YouTube, embed it as a media link on your social media profile or even as an attachment to good ol’ email.
5) Divide and conquer.
In group A, to use The Knot’s dividing techniques, put both of your immediate families, close extended family members, close friends, clergy/officiate and spouse, parents of the ring bearer and flower girls, and spouses/partners/fiancés or long-term boyfriend/girlfriends of wedding party. An easy way to figure out the boy/girlfriend issue for all guests is this rule of thumb: If they’ve been together over a year, the bf/gf gets an invite. This is also the time to ask yourselves, who can’t we live without on our special day? Those people get an automatic invite.
In group B, secondary list, include that friend/family member that isn’t a huge part of your life, neighbors, co-workers, plus ones for single guests, acquaintances (people you know through a common interest), and all the good-ol’-what’s-his/her-names.
6) The numbers game.
How do we know how many people will come? What do we do if it’s a destination wedding? What happens when the regrets from our “A” list pile up and we HAVE to have a set number for the venue? What if I can’t cut anybody?!? First, breathe….deep breaths…say “Ommmmm”. OK, better? Now, it’s safe to bet that 10-20% of your “A” list will send regrets. For most couples, a safe estimate of acceptance rate for out-of-town guests is 55%
(# of out of town guests * 65%) + (# of local guests * 90%) = total # estimated to attend.
So if you have 150 people on your guest list, 50 of which are out-of-towners, and 100 are local, your equation will look like this: (50*65%) + (100*90%) = 122.5. So, approximately 123 people will attend.
This number deepens a bit when you hold your wedding in a place where everyone’s a tourist to about 40%. However, there’s also the chance that everyone replies yes to say…a Santa Barbara beach wedding because they’ll treat it as a vacation. Only you will know how your friends/family will react. When I told my friends about our wedding plans and set the date for a Sunday, I gauged their reactions. I had hoped they would all reply in excitement and want to treat it as a vacation with our wedding as a bonus. And by Manifest Destiny, most of them have but, there’s still the Sunday factor. So, you can see it gets tricky- to be safe I’ll go to about 25% saying no.
When you start getting those regrets in, start sending your favorite “B” listers’ invites ASAP. The longer you wait, the longer they may get the idea that they weren’t your first choice and who wants to feel like that? I would start with the plus ones- that way your single guests won’t be sitting at that awkward “singles” table and they’ll at least have someone to share in the fun. Budget Bonus: You can just call the single friend and ask if you included their guest. Blame it on wedding hysteria that you forgot to include them and that you wanted to make sure they were invited.
If you feel like you can’t cut anyone then, there are three options: a) change venue, b) win the lottery, or c) cut something else out of your budget. You can DIY favors, hire a DJ instead of a band, change dates (Saturday, in-season weddings charge full-price), choose to have appetizers instead of a full meal…you get the idea.
7) How to Make Cuts:
Just in case my three options above don’t work for you- here’s a how-to-make-cuts step-by-step:
- Send solo invitations to friends not heavily monogamous, engaged or married (i.e. that Starbucks guy he/she met the other day that may just be the one)
- Don't invite coworkers
- Don't invite children under some age decided upon
- Don’t invite people out of guilt (these are those people that practically demand an invitation). If you have to think a great deal about inviting someone, they probably don't belong at your wedding.
- Cut everyone you haven't spoken to in a year. If it is still too large, progress to six months, three months, etc. until it is a better size. This could apply to relatives as well.
- Scan your list for "problem" people. (these could be people who can't hold their liquor, are bigoted, or have any other anti-social behavior problems)
8) Recently separated couples.
Here’s one of those awkward situations that wedding guest lists are bound to bring up- what do you do with your friends that have recently separated or divorced? Won’t it be awkward to invite them both? How do you address the save-the-dates/invites?
Here’s your easy and drama-free solution: Send an invitation to each and let them decide whether they are going to attend or not. They’re adults, right? Don’t you have enough to worry about?
9) How to plan for mistakes you make on the invites:
If you plan on DIYing your invites, you’re going to need some wiggle room. Even the most organized, detail-oriented bride can get blurry eyed and change Aunt Mae into Aunt Moe…in PEN! If you buy a couple extra invites/envelopes/inserts, you’ll be allowed to cut yourself some slack.
If you’re having them professionally printed, make sure that the printers have everyone’s name correctly spelled and all the right info. Have proofs and a finalized contact list sent to you with plenty of room to edit any possible mistakes.
10) What to do if your guests ignore the RSVP:
Slap them right across the face as hard as possible. No, I’m kidding... Some people will either forget about the RSVP card or assume that you know they’re coming because they told you that one night over Sangria or lose the RSVP card or think they can’t RSVP because it’s past the date or…whatever other excuse they can conjure.
First, set the RSVP date a couple of weeks before your last possible chance to respond to vendors such as the caterer. This will give you some cushion, so if someone doesn’t RSVP, you can then call them and ask for a response.
As frustrated as you may be, please be understanding. There’s no need to cause drama and tension for your big day. Just say, “I know how crazy life can be and I just wanted to see if you were able to make it to our wedding in May.” If they hedge you AT ALL with a response like, “Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry; can I get back to you?” This is what you say: “Of course. I have to let the caterer know the total headcount, so please get back to me by tomorrow. I hope you can make it but, totally understand if it’s too expensive/last minute/much, etc”. They should be able to look at their calendars and talk about it with whoever they need to by the next day. You also want to be able to give them an out, even if you don’t believe it. People will feel awkward for being put on the spot, especially if the answer is a “no”.
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